Adam and Eve Make Soup Stock out of Plot Holes
Or something like that
I have no idea how to start this story, so I will say something goofy then jump right into it. Here goes.
In order to get a better handle on the situation we need to stress the literal incongruities in our cultural myths. Why was God so hard on Eve?
Let’s go back to the Garden of Eden. God makes his entrance but stops when he sees an apple core on the ground.
God: “Adam. Adam? …Adam where are you?”
Adam: “Here I am.”
God: “Why are you hiding?”
Adam: “I don't want you to see my pecker.”
God: “You ate from the Tree of…where‘s Eve?”
Eve: “Here I am.”
God: “Why are you hiding?”
Eve: “I don't want you to see my muff.”
God: “You both ate from the tree? Urrrgghhh! Adam, I warned you! I have no choice but to throw you and Eve out of the Garden. You've got until sundown or else!”
(God makes a throat-slitting sound.)
God: As for you Eve, I curse you and all your kind to suffer labor pains for all of eternity!
Eve: “Whoah! Time out. Time out God! This is not exactly fair. Why does Adam get one punishment and I get two? Either throw me out of the garden or give me eternal cramps but not both!
God: Shut up Eve!
(Spotlight shines on the snake.)
God: As for you, the serpent who beguiled my most precious creations. I condemn you and your kind to crawl on your belly for all of eternity…eternity …nity…ty…y!
Eve: Wait! Wait! Time out God! I sure do hate being the one who has to point this out, but the snake didn't exactly walk into the tree. He didn't fly. The snake crawled up the tree, because that's what snakes do, naturally. They're born that way. It seems to me, the punishment is kind of pointless. You mean to tell me, after all the sneaky stuff the snake has done, you’re going to condemn him to crawl back down the tree? That’s not even a punishment. God? …God?…Gaaaaaud?
(Even the birds have stop chirping.)
Eve: Adam do something!
Adam: I'm naked and I'm hiding behind a bush. What do want from me Eve?
Eve: I've got it! Shhhh!
(Looks from side to side then motions for Adam to come closer.)
Eve: The situation is what it is. It's not good, but it's up to us to make the best of it. That's why before me and you leave this popsicle-stand, we are going to catch that snake and make snake soup.
(Adam sinks his face deep into his hands. )
Eve: You don’t like soup? I can use the skin to make some sort of covering for my feet. Since it’s up to you to name everything, you can call those shoes.
(Adam shoulders slump over. )
Eve: I can sew two pieces together and make a pouch. Big enough so I can put my stuff inside. Go ahead and name it a purse. If there's anything left over, I can make something small for you. Let’s see, you can call it a wall… Adam?
(Adam muffles his sobs. )
Eve: Adam look at me. My love buddy cheer up! Remember, when one door closes another one opens. Take me me for example. This morning I was completely satisfied. I had no desires. Why? Because I had no needs. I was butt naked. I was completely clueless. But now since our expulsion, my mind has been overflowing with amazing entrepreneurial ideas. Suddenly, I'm interested in stuff and their market value!
(Eve flicks away a tiny pebble stuck to her foot.)
Eve: Shoes, probably won’t catch on! But I'm telling you Adam, we have a real chance at making history with my snake soup recipe!
(There’s a rustle in the bushes so Eve motions for Adam to come closer.)
Eve: Just say, “come here little snaky” and then jump him. Shhhhh! You go that way and I’ll go this way. Shhhh!
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